when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
