We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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