just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
