I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
