Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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