Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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