I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
