dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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