Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i think i have herpe
just one?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
