my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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