my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
