Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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