I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
