Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
