Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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