I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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