do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
