oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
