Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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