is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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