Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
