Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
