I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
