I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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