before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
