just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
