Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
