I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
operation have a gay friend backfired
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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