how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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