I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
