and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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