I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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