come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize