she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
