how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
