last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
