tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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