Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
