my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
