You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
