How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
