By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
