Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
