The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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