she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
