I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
