he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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