At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
