He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
