Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize