Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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