Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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