I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize