She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
