Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
