You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
