Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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