He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
