You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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