Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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