You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've blown a few things in my day
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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