I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
