Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
