drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
